I have spent many of nights just staring at the walls and ceiling. It is during these times that my mind starts to play tricks on me. I sometimes will come downstairs and get on the computer like I am doing now...I check my e-mail, facebook, the Adult Congenital Heart Association message board and some other bloggers that I follow. Other times I come down stairs grab my Zune and hope that it is charged enough to get a few hours of music listening in ( I have not yet down loaded any pod cast yet). But more often then not I just sit or lay there thinking about my life.
Sometimes it is about getting things done here around house. Sometimes it is about the things I need to do for work. Sometimes it is about my relationship with Evan and how I wish it was better....sometimes I think about how it would be if he did not have his Autism. Sometimes I think about my relationship with Sharon and how I wish it was better...don't get me wrong it is not that horrible...we have been through a lot in the almost 27 years(hell I am getting old) that we have been together...the biggest being the transplant. and sometimes I think am I doing all I can do with my life now that I no longer have the heart issues holding me back. Yes I am still diabetic but that never stopped me from doing stuff...It is a pain in my ass and it is a battle to manage it but it is not the same.
So tonight while I was thinking again and replaying some of the same old tapes in my head I decided to come down and get on the computer and take some steps in putting a plan into action. I must admit that I am a little pissed because my Zune just died on me..really should recharge it after my walks or my insomnia nights. Anyway I have decided that there are a few changes that I need to make in my life and I figure if they are written down here that I can revisit them, plus you all can keep me accountable to what I write here. So here goes:
1. I am going to tune out for awhile...i.e. no facebook or message boards for the next month. If people leave me a message on either one of those sites I will be notified by e-mail. I am going to only check my e-mail once a day and make responses as soon as possible.
2. I am going to turn my personal cell off for 25 hours each week (a lot of my friends will understand this)
3. When I first came home from the hospital I was given a Kindle and I really have not used it that much so instead of watching tv or being on the computer I am going to read more.
4. I am going to insist that my family have one night during the week where we all spend time together either watching a movie or playing a game....but not everyone scattered all over the house watching different things in their rooms. Also during this time I am going to ask that all cell phones be shut off. I will have to keep on my work one as I am required to be available to my clients 24/7 unless I am on vacation.
5. I have talked and some have suggested that I write a book...I actually wrote and outline but never started it. I am going to start it. So instead of stroking the keys on facebook and message boards I will be spending time on the book.
6. This blog is about my needing the transplant and life after it..I am not going to take down the blog...I will however be posting a lot more then I have been.
7. I purchased 3 journals after the transplant..wanted to write down shit that I did not want to share here or on facebook or msg boards....have I done that no...am I going to start yes.
8. I need to get my exercise groove back on...it has been missing for awhile..partially because of the weather and the issues I am having with my shoulders.
9. I have a DVD that I got to years ago to learn Tia Chi...it is still sitting unopened but will not be as I am going to look at it today...when I get home from picking Evan up from school.
10. This is hard for me to say but I need to just chill and not let the little things bother me...this is especially true in interacting with Evan. I have got to learn to accept that he is not your average 17 teen year old. I know it is frustrating for him which then gets him anger and then I get frustrated and angry it is a stupid vicious cycle that needs to end. This will also help with my relationship with Sharon as my Frustration and Evan's Frustration with each other always put her in the middle.
Well that is my list...hopefully once I begin to make these changes I will not have that many sleepless nights again.